


The Most Popular Guys in the Tower

by newyorktopaloalto



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Bucky as Deandra, Clint as Ashely, F/M, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Natalia as Jenna, Other, Parody, Reed Richards as Shay van Buren, Rhodey as Trisha, The Most Popular Girls in School AU, Tony as Mackenzie, it's a shot for shot of the first episode, this is a parody Tony is like my favorite character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 06:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16676713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newyorktopaloalto/pseuds/newyorktopaloalto
Summary: "Who. The fuck. Are you?" Tony asked."I'm Bucky," the man stated flippantly, "I'm new."





	The Most Popular Guys in the Tower

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what came over me, I had to do this—I couldn't _not_ do this. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything Marvel, and I especially don't own [the Most Popular Girls in School](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kg6KXrRplQ) (link is to the first episode, the one this is shot for shot, almost word for word, of). 
> 
> I am so sorry, but I hope you keep reading because it's just a fun time all around.

Fixing his almost perfectly-coiffed hair, Tony Stark looked into the mirror idly as he listened to James Rhodes, his best friend for bordering on twenty years, talk about his relationship problems with Carol Danvers. 

“Well, then I was all like,” Rhodey continued, their conversation having had started in the attached stalls of the semi-private bathroom Tony had installed next to the conference room in Avengers Tower, “'No! And then you were like, you are!' and then _she_ was like, 'No, but then you are!' and I was all like 'I kinda am.' So, long story short, she's kind of my girlfriend right now.” 

Tony stopped his motions, making sure that Rhodey wasn't going to say anything else, before responding. 

“I am so pretty.” 

Rhodey looked over, tilting his head to the side emphasize his point. “You really are.” 

The door opened as he asked 'is there, like, a training mission today?' and their conversation was interrupted by a well-built brunet who sauntered into the bathroom, as though he belonged there. He looked into the third mirror, seemingly unconcerned as both Tony and Rhodey turned to stare at him. 

“Um,” Tony started, already feeling himself in a snit, “Excuse me?” He gestured a little to show who he was speaking to. The man ignored him blithely, fixing the collar of his shirt. 

“Hell-oo,” Rhodey continued snidely, eyeing the man with the same level of disdain Tony was currently feeling. 

A pause. 

“What?”

“Who. The fuck. Are you?” Tony asked, the two of them still staring, bemused, at the interloper. 

“Who the fuck are _you_?” The man retorted, voice short as he finally turned to look at them. 

“I asked you first,” Tony replied, his hand going to his hip in an exercise in self-control—the man was lucky he didn't slap his face off. 

The reply was quick. “I asked you second.” 

Rhodey, in between the two of them, gasped out an 'oh!' and made a little scoffing noise, answering for Tony before Tony, himself, could deign to. 

“He's Tony Stark, duh! Leader of the Avengers, most eligible bachelor in the country, part-time model.” 

The man's head tilted a bit, and his 'oh' was both uninterested and like he already knew something about Tony. 

“Who. The fuck. Are you?” Tony asked again. 

“I'm Bucky,” the man stated flippantly, “I'm new.” 

“Who the fuck let you in here?” Tony demanded. 

“Clint.”

“Clint who?” 

“Clint Barton.” 

“Clint Barton isn't even in charge of the door,” Rhodey stated matter-of-factly, as though the case were now closed. 

“So,,, Bucky,” Tony said, wiping his already dried-off hands on his pants to smooth out any invisible wrinkles, “let me tell you how things work here.” 

“I already know how things work 'round here,” Bucky responded, tone more than a little belligerent. 

Anything more they could say was cut off by Rhodey, who it seemed could not be dissuaded from the topic of who was in charge of what. 

“Clint Barton is in charge of newbies. Why is he letting people inside of the door?” 

Tony, pointedly, and with a little bit of a click of his tongue, chose to ignore him. 

“This is my bathroom,” he started, gesturing around the room, “this is my tower.” He gestured to Bucky with both hands. “And this is me telling you that you need to learn your place.” 

“Guess what?” Bucky asked sarcastically, flipping his long hair back, “I already know all those things.” 

“Oh, really‽”

“Yeah!”

“Natalia Romanova is in charge of the door,” Rhodey continued to himself, his own internal drama eclipsing whatever the other two men were arguing about for a moment, “what the fuck is she doing letting Clint Barton let people in?” He turned and left the bathroom—Tony assumed it had something to do with finding exactly that out. 

“You're not from around here are you, Bucky?” Tony asked, hand still on his hip as he leaned his body in a little closer to the taller man. 

“I just defected here from HYDRA,” Bucky said imperiously, a smug smile on his lips as he poked his neck out at Tony—a little head waggle completing the motion. 

“Which of their fucking headquarters?” 

“The one north of Topeka,” Bucky answered easily, gesturing outward vaguely but insistently with his hand, “West of the 71.” 

“Well,” Tony started, voice a few pitches higher than usual as he looked down to brush more invisible lint off of his slacks, indignation evident, “let me tell you how things work around here in Manhattan.” As he spoke, he strode towards Bucky—almost gliding, really in how little his feet actually hit the floor—until they were all up in each others' faces. 

“I already know how things work around here in Manhattan!” Bucky threw up his hands, before bringing them back down to waggle his neck a couple more times. 

“Really‽” Tony shouted. 

“Yeah,” Bucky retorted, looking away for a moment as the rest of his statement hanged on a stutter, “P-Pepper Potts told me all about it!” 

The door opened—Tony and Bucky were inches away from one another—and Rhodey wandered back into the bathroom, speaking half to himself and half to the room at large. “Is Natalia Romanova sick? Does she have mono? I feel like her handler might have,,, died.” 

Tony and Bucky, the both of them, ignored Rhodey. 

“What the fuck are you doing talking to Pepper Potts?” 

“She gave me some NDAs I had to sign.” 

“That's my fucking girlfriend, bitch,” Tony shout-warned the other brunet. 

“Oh, really?” Bucky asked flippantly, “That's not what Reed Richards said.” 

“Well,” Tony retorted acidly, going back to looking in the mirror and fixing his hair, “Reed Richards is a fucking liar.” 

“Oh, he seemed to know a lot about you and Rumiko Fujikawa.” 

Rhodey and Tony turned to look at Bucky. 

“Okay,” Tony gihed out, putting his hands up in a gesture of civility, “Bucky, just—what the fuck do you want?” 

“I want.” Bucky paused. “To poop here.”

Tony looked him down. Bucky was calm, almost blank, as he continued. 

“Whenever I want.” He put up a hand. “For as long as I want.” 

Tony looked down, thinking, before giving himself a little nod; Rhodey, behind him, was looking on in silence.

“Fine,” he stated, turning back to look up at Bucky, “but know this: I? Do not like you.” 

“I feel indifferent towards you.” 

Tony let out a high-pitched scoff at the statement.

“I'll be watching you,” he half-whispered. 

“I'm going to poop now,” Bucky replied, turning away and heading for the stall.

“Wait,” Rhodey breathed out, as he and Tony both looked into the mirrors, “Natalie Rushman's handler is sick—Natalia Romanova's handler is just on a mission.

“D-Duh, James!” 

They turned as the sounds of a particularly aggressive shit-fest—literally—assaulted their senses; there was a little whimper of exertion from the man in the stall. Tony turned to look at Rhodey as the sounds continued, uninterrupted, until a flush ended them. 

Bucky walked out of the stall. 

“Have fun smelling my poops, bitches!” he called as he walked out. 

Tony and Rhodey stared at one another for another moment as the door closed behind the new guy. 

//TBC

**Author's Note:**

> I might do another few episodes—if I do, I'm going to change the name of this first fic.
> 
> send hate mail to: newyorktopaloalto@mail.com


End file.
